I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
