D3 body, D1 cock
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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