weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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