Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
