at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
