there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
