why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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