The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dignity is for republicans.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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