The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
