omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
