You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
