he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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