My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
