you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
