i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
