I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
