and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
