How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
