____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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