I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
