I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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