My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
