I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
