So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
