I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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