summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
