you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
