Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
