you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
