I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
