the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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