How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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