Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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