just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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