Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
