im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
