I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
