All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
