Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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