sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.