finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
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Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex