We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.