remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
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took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now