I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
