First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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