Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh god it's open bar.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
