I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
