girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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