I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
