I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
