Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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