I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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