Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She announced her abortion via fbk
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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