And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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