The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
