Whats the glycemic index on semen?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
