i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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