I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
