hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
