explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
