help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize