I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im holly from the hills drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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