You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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