clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
