My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
