someone get that fucking seahorse.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
